the birkenstocks you got me

at our last christmas

are so worn now

I had to throw them out

Five years of walking

and hiking

and running away

and skipping toward

will do that I guess

But the new ones I bought myself

are the same color as yours were

I wonder where they will bring me next

Not when life presents its new chapters

Like a brand new book

I’ve been waiting to read

In days gone by I’ve allowed myself

to touch the cover and let my fingers

dance along the spine

Sometimes I flip my thumb along the corners of each page

and listen to the lilt of each as it passes through my hand

I’ve read the first sentence

but never the last

and told myself I’ll buy it someday

I don’t think I could even be sad again

I’ve got a brand new book to read

It will not always hurt like this

It will not always sting

Despite that voice inside your head

Hope’s bells again will ring

You will not always cry like this

This pain it will not stay

You will learn to smile again

Someday, someday, someday

light them and watch them melt

bring your people together

stay up late until they burn to their ends

knowing you laughed and

dirtied your plates and

brought new ones out for dessert

be grateful for yesterday

and hopeful for tomorrow, sure

but sit and play with tonight

hold her close before she leaves

stay a while

it is an act of surrender

to laugh again

to sing

to wake up early

to stay up late

to love and let myself be loved

all without you

I am surrendering

not because I want to

but because I know I must

and late night talks

surrounded by laughter

I fill my cup

it’s you and me

we are together

and that’s enough

to be grateful for

her hand letting go of mine

we’ll dance again, just wait and see

it’s only a matter of time

until then, put me away

enjoy this life you’re given

believe you me when I say

this life is for the livin’

to let my lungs deflate

to rest my bones

without purpose and without plan

to quiet my mind

for no other reason

than to make space for the light

so if this is it

let me exhale

finally

It still shimmers in the sun

Maybe more so

Than it did when it was whole

of the story we wrote together

i know it’s made of yesterdays

but i’ll live there forever

And maybe you can take it with you

But have you ever looked at the hills

And seen them staring back at you?

They watched you laugh and cry

They heard you sing

They tucked you in every night

They woke you up every morning

Those hills there, across the valley

They kept your secrets

Those hills know your name.

Have you ever stared at the hills

And seen heaven in their horizon?

Home is a feeling, sure

And maybe you can take it with you

But home for me will always be

Hidden in those hills

I wake up and tune each string

Never knowing what chaotic interlude

Today’s melody might bring

Some days I choose to hum

Some days I lead the choir

Some days I want to take the songbook

And set it all on fire

But I still wake and I still sing

Soft as the mourning dove

And if you listen close enough

You’ll hear a song of love

where the sun shines through

Staring across an ocean’s worth

of effervescent blue

Among the roses painted pink

and the mornings anew

In all the things

that are not things

That’s where I see you

it made me

it didn’t kill me

maybe it saved me

on days i would not feed her,

did she not sit me down to eat?

on nights i have been restless,

did she not force me to sleep?

in offices and waiting rooms,

did she not hold her own hand?

on that freezing spring morning,

did she not stand me up

and pull those words from my lips?

each minute of every day,

does she not fight for me?

she does,

and that is the miracle

i do not want a chapter two

because, you see, that chapter

would be one without you

it’s not that i’m afraid

or that i think i could not bear it;

i’m just not interested in a new plot

when i know we cannot share it

so i suppose i’ll wait a while

just for the ink to dry —

and perhaps maybe tomorrow

we’ll give it another try

The same I’ve looked at all my life

But this time with new eyes

This times with eyes that can see

Heaven was right here all along

All we had to do

was look out our bedroom windows

When the sun returns,

and the birds sing,

when the flowers bloom once more

in technicolor?

I breathe in —

knowing it must be something wonderful

he reminds me of what i have lost - he reminds me of you.

if i let go for just a moment and turn my face towards the sun

he pulls my fingers back into his and says ‘are you forgetting someone?’

‘no!’ I say, and hold on tight while we walk on, together.

we sit in shade, we block the sun - toxic, tangled, tethered.

‘why must you do this to me?’ i ask him this each day —

his response, without a beat: ‘because you want it that way.’